I received a note from a friend who was going through a divorce but was keeping an eye to the future. Here is my answer.
I'll give you the same advice someone gave me and I've passed on to my kids.
Make a list of all the traits and things you want and don't want in a relationship. This list keeps getting refined as you heal and grow after a breakup or divorce.
It's ok to be picky!
Then when it is time ask these questions:
Does he make me laugh?
What does he do when I cry?
Does he cry?
When? Crying is healthy even in men though some don't see it that way.
Can we talk about anything? Money, power, relationships, kids, feelings, lovemaking, men only establishments, politics, ANYTHING. You don't have at agree you just have to be able to talk about it. Agreeing to disagree is fine.
How does he handle anger?
How does he handle my kids' and my feelings? Are the feelings ignored, trampled, or acknowledged?
What is his views of discipline?
Corporal punishment?
What are his hobbies?
What would he like to do for retirement? It may be a long way off but has it been thought about.
Does he have children?
How will we blend the two families? We had one rule. The biological parent had the last say in matters. I think I used it once and he used it twice on VERY important matters (all were life and death type matters).
Can he talk me out of my funks and down times?
Can we sit in silence comfortably without strain?
What makes him jealous?
Do we enjoy similar things? The key is to talk, talk and more talk. The more you talk the more you both learn about each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment